Two red dots
by zoi constantinescu
Summary: Brenn's first discussion with Angela about Booth


The two red dots were pulsing. Each seconds a pulse. I really have to sleep, Bren said in a whisper voice to herself. But the white alarm clock got all her attention for no special reason.

04:22.

Her mind was blank. She has to use her bright mind, her logic. So, usually she can't sleep when she got something that bothers her, something big on the plate, but now, no matter how hard she's trying to figure this up, nothing, just the stupid booth's alarm clock.

04:23.

She understands that if she can comprehend what is wrong, if she can discover the reason provoking this strange blue mood she can fix it, if she can find a reasonable solution she will go on with her sleep.

04: 23. Really?

Oh stupid alarm clock. In the first place she never understood why she needed a new alarm clock. She was never late. Booth gave it to her, he was acting strange when he just put the bag with the clock in it in her hands, saying just this is yours; please use it, no other explanation. Quite an unusual gift from a working partner. Even if he was, in fact he still is, for her more than a working partner. She remembers that she thought she is missing something, a double meaning or something, as she usually does. This is why she provoked at the next session with sweetie a topic on this unusual gift. Intriguing was that excepting the little pink pig, booth never gave her another gift. More over Sweetie knew what all was about with this regular, unsophisticated white alarm clock. It seems it had to do with booth's dream when he was in coma after his brain tumor surgery. Any way, it appears to be an important object and not just a clock but something with a lot of meaning for booth. Like the sticks in the Chumbunka Tribes, the members of the tribe have a lot of appreciation for these sticks, which have for them a mystic meanings and for the rest of us it are just sticks randomly picked from the wood.

04:24 O, God, This is punishing.

Maybe if I'll make myself a warm Tiliacea's flower tee. It is recognized about it's relaxing qualities.

The kettle sound made her shiver. Sitting at the kitchen table with the tea cup in her hands she felt very lonely and the silence of her own house oppressive. Something is really wrong I am living alone for ever. I am always o.k. with myself. Something is missing, there is an empty spot, I feel like I lost something very important. This is it. If I can discover this I'll be fine. What about more relaxing technique, a hot bath with a aromatherapy candles and with Edgar's Cello concert and I have to be fine.

She was back in bed, surrounded by the soft cherry smell. Oh, yes, we are on the right track here, she closed her easy. Anxiety? Really? Something is so wrong.

05:22.

There has to do with this stupid clock. She opens the upper drawer of the nightstand, near her bed and sticks the clock in it. Better? No worse, it is booth's clock; it's like stuffing him in the drawer. This is really stupid, she even smiled at the picture that formed in her head, Booth couldn't fit in this space. It's a fourth grade math problem. What's wrong with me?

Maybe I should call Angela, she always knows how to explain the unexplainable. She puts back the clock on the nightstand. I can't call her, its 05:24 she's pregnant, and pregnant women need more sleep hours than the rest of us. Or better let's wake up Booth, it's only his fault I'm not sleeping. Him and his white unappealing alarm clock. I can't, Hannah could be there. He has his own life now. He moved on.

05:25

I really miss our previous life, preHannah, when we were so close and I could call him at any hour of the day, and I felt him by my side every moment; strangely enough, I sensed him around even when he wasn't physical there, it was like him being available for me at any moment it was normal, by default. His protection over me it felt so good and grateful. I realize this only now when I miss that feeling like hell. Even I never have expected this, it is obviously that I liked being cared for, worried about, being someone else focus point. Maybe this is what I lost. Oh, yes this is it;

_I really need to get laid. Evrika. And fast._

With a smile, she closed her eyes, contented that she solved the problem she fell asleep.

Next day, she was very moody, as Angela described her state of mind. She was inappropriate with Clark. In fact, no, she was right, it really was not her intern's business to discuss( near john doe no. 344, or worse with his bones) about the odds that booth will soon realize that Mrs. Hannah is, in fact, a soft versions of Dr. Brennen and that he is wasting good, quality time spending it near another women than Dr Brennen, who is clearly the only one who he can … He never finished his sentence, Dr Bren entered and he was very sorry for his totally unexpected comment. What about this? No she won't thing about this remark. As a matter of fact after her explosion toward Clark she escaped into her own office and after she cool down she admitted that Clark's remark make her smile.

The lab was quiet. Clark was working on some john doe found in Nicaragua. No excitement there. Cam was a meeting with the City Hall's officials. Angela and Hodgins left earlier to finalize their new house papers and booth…He didn't call today. Maybe just because we don't have any case.

She grabbed her purse and left the lab to meet for lunch with her publisher for some new surprise or something important she didn't recall.

She was sitting in her blue Prius, for some time now. She still has the car keys in her hand. The publisher, who was also her investing consultant announced her that after six months of studying the market offers she finally discovered the perfect weekend house Bren asked her to buy for her. From the portfolio pictures it showed as a small weekend cottage, in the middle of the woods, unexpectedly just at 120 km from the lab on the East highway on the edge of a lake full of different fish species as Bren requested, that would mean a satisfactory fishing party for anyone and with a heated pool behind for the moments when is too cold for swimming in the lake. It looked peaceful, the pictures where mostly taken during the autumn time and the surrounding colors of the forest were impressive. It's the best moment for investing in this kind of assets, because the mortgage market is at historical down point. And it is precisely how you requested it to be, a perfect match. It would prove to be the writing space where you can inspiration to continue the book. You still owe me the perfect murder story. Think about it. In addition I made the arrangements for this weekend you can test it, go there, it could be relaxing. Spend two or three days there to see if you interact with the place and then you can decide and give me the green light to sign the buying papers.

A knock in the car's window made her shudder. It was Angela.

Hey sweetie, you forgot we had to meet for lunch? I met inside your publisher who said you "invented" some problem and left without even saying a proper goodbye or even paying for your coffee. I told her to take care of her own business and that she can afford to pay for that coffee only because of you. Angela laughed at her own malice. Bren didn't. Get in, she said, we can't go back there to have lunch if she's still in there. Let's go to the Founding Fathers. Perfect.

The sound of the warm water and the sense on her hands skin make her feel better. After finishing washing her hands she looked in the mirror from the ladies rest room of the Founding Fathers restaurant. She was surprised of the contrast of the two faces reflected in the mirror. Angela's face was bright, like she was glowing from inside out, and her face was not only white but also crossed by long grey circles. Her hair was tight in a simple tail, where was her wit insightful looks that usually she seen when looking at herself? She really needs to get laid to go over it. Rationale she's not ill, she ate, she is not having any fever or something like this to indicate a physical bad mood but she's not in her own self neither. Her mobile phone rang and the echo in the bathroom wakes her up. I have to take this, she told Angela, is Booth.

Any case?

Hi to yourself, it seems you are bored. No, you can go back to your own research projects, we aren't assigned to any case because I have to leave town for 5 days. I have to go to Pennsylvania to a FBI council meeting. Hannah will be with me during the weekend but starting with Monday she'll be in town and she's express her will to meet you to a coffee. So, see 'you. Are still there? Hello, Bones, is everything all right? Are you okay?...Brenn ?

Yes, I'm with Angela, no worries, it's a lot of noise. See 'you, take care, bye.

Bye.

She watched the phones lights go off, and then that emptiness feeling again surrounded her. This can be possible, is like something from inside of her, near her heart was bleeding. Her hart feels like it is bleeding. It can't be any internal bleeding; it has to be cause by a violent external factor. She knew for this hurting feelings she won't find a physic reason.

Angela interrupted her thoughts by sitting down at the table.

Honey, since when is you mobile ringing as a vintage old phone? Oh, it's only for Booth phone calls, I understand. And a subtle smile appeared on her face. Are you all right? You seamed awfully quiet today. You have to go? Where? Come one sweetie, talk to me, what's the matter? All right, but please call me, no matter how late you'll go home. Please? O.k. Phillipe who? Since when? All right I'll need all the details. If you won't call me I'll call you.

Dr. Syaornyng Phillippe Marcus, thank you for this very pleasant and satisfying lunch and dessert. It was one of the best meals I have ever eaten prepared by the best Dr. in Chile and States as well. I hope all ends well with you dolphin research, I'll call my accounting this evening so I can contribute to your efforts to save this intelligent dolphin specie. No, you don't have to call me this week I will be at a conference in Pennsylvania. Thank you again, for changing you schedule in such a short notice for me. It's flattering, thank you. Goodbye!

Again she found herself with the car key in her lap, just standing. How long? Should she be worried? For sure. At least, starting with this moment. She left Angela to call Phillipe, to meet him, had lunch and instead of dessert a satisfying sex piece. It felt well, she felt wanted, loved, protected. But it last for few moments. After it was over she didn't know how to leave faster. The emptiness was back. So, I didn't need to get laid. O.k., this problem really is out of my hands…..

Angela, hey, I'm at my place. I need you to do me a big favor. Could you come with me this weekend at a cottage in the Will Forest, I really have to decide if I will buy it or not and I would appreciate your art-designer eye in this matter. Perfect. Hodgins can fish there is a small boat as well. I'll pick you up at half past 9 in the morning? All right. Thank you. See 'a.

You told Hodgins he doesn't have to repair the pool's heating system; I haven't bought the cottage yet.

Yeah, let him do his thing, he's happy when he feels useful and on the other hand it is so nice sitting here, on the porch just the two of us, watching the lake, smelling the forest odor mix with our coffees. Even your coffin coffee smells much better than mine. The fresh air, the forest sounds; even the biscuits vanilla flavor is more tasteful. This can be easily transformed in a dream weekend cottage.

You know, in fact it's not my dream cottage is Booth's one, Brenn said with a bitter voice

What?

It is exactly as he wanted it: the forest, the quiet, the lake, the fishing, the heated pool for Parker, the fire place for romantic evenings, the rough wood kitchen table, the bedrooms for two or three children, away from the crowded city, everything as he dreamed. It's his dream house not mine. I started searching for this cottage one year ago when he described it for the first time, it was right before he told me he wants to give a shot to a relationship with me.

What? Angela voice expressed her astonishment. When did this happen? What did you say?

I said no. This time her voice was no bitter any more she sounded resigned

Oh, sweetie, why? You know for some times now that booth is your own version of hodginagela.

I was afraid. He was giving himself entirely to me, he put his soul at my feet and I knew that I couldn't offer him back the same. I thought I would break his heart. I knew how he feels about loving someone how he feels he can unite with the chosen one in every aspect; he wanted us to become one. I couldn't offer him that, I wasn't ready then, mostly I couldn't understand what he meant what he expected from me. I thought I would protect him by saying no, but instead I was hurting him so bad, worst than if I would try to show him how I love him, how I felt and failed, worst than trying to open my soul to him and not succeeding. I'm confident he would succeed in making me to open to him, to be able to feel the same as he feel. It's messed up. I messed up. I lost my chance.

I'm speechless, Brenn, you don't have to lose your hope, you have to try to speak with him. I'm amazed. You are amazing, you grew emotionally so much I'm impressed. I knew it was in you, this so warm thoughtful soul and with your bright mind you can speak to him as you told me and he will understand. In fact you owe this shoot to you as well to him, because let's be honest you didn't make this change on your own, it is all Booth masterpiece.

Angela, stop. I have already tried and he said no.

Bren, I'm sorry. Why didn't you tell me? In this kind of moments you need all your friends to be with you, to support you. When did this happen?

It's been three weeks now.

O my God, tell me. You'll feel release, better after, I promise.

He said that he moved on as I told him to do and that now he has Hannah whom he loves and who is not a consolation price as we all think.

Only he is telling him that to convince himself the opposite. No one told him that Hannah is his consolation prince. Angela voice sounded concerned, not very convincing neither.

You know Clark told John Doe 344 exactly the same thing.

What?

Never mind. He told me I should move on. Truly, I'm not the same person since then. This doesn't have any logical reason, nor physic argue, nor any trace of scientific reason. Crazy enough, I just know that he loves her but he's not in love with her and that she doesn't know much of booth. The biggest problem is that I don't know how to deal with this.

So working together now is a constant pain. How did you deal with this?

No, this is not the problem, I'm able to compartment so work is work, even some time I enjoy more than I should being near him, in his car just the two of us, spending together a hole day on our own, smelling his unique smell.

He wears colony! I didn't notice.

No, it's no perfume or colony is his own smell. I can't explain. Anthropologically there is an explanation much accepted but this argument doesn't explain why his smell has this effect on me. It arouses me even I can't describe it and is as nothing I ever smelled.

And booth how is he handling this?

I believe o.k. The next day he came in my office and asked if everything is all right with me, if we are still solid as a team, if I am hurting and that he is sorry about the timing, that his last intention was to make me hurt or to disappoint me. He over explained him, over and over, as if he tried to convince him he did the right thing. He also said that he has an obligation to Hannah who, even he didn't ask, dropped her job to come in DC. I felt warm inside, he was so gentle with me. Angela I don't believe he doesn't care anymore?

Do you know at how many levels is this wrong?

I don't understand.

Never mind sweetie, go on, to the pressing problem.

Oh, yeah, I really don't know what to do. It's like every breath is hurting, I'm only thinking that I've missed my only chance, that I lost something forever, something that I'll never get back. It's so much pain. I didn't feel this since my parent's disappearance. I think I'm losing my minds. What should I do ?

Sweetie this is love.

I don't need love if it means so much hurting.

You'll be all right, I promise. It will take time. That's all. You have to understand that without love you were uncompleted. Love means you have a story, a life. I also believe that Booth is still into you but because he has to be faithful to his current relation, because this is who he is and what you love of him, he can't leave her now. Be patience. He soon will realize that she's not entirely what he wants, that he is wrong staying in a relation that won't be enough for him. Meanwhile we have to start your healing process.

What if this will never happen? What if he's truly alright with her, what if the really loves her? What then ?

Honey, you are burning now, only time will make your love even stronger or will make you more complete and you'll be able to give this love to someone else.

Someone else? No, this is not an option, I've tried. It was a disaster.

Of course it was a disaster now. Now your heart is Booth and won't accept anyone else.

You know how strange that sounded for me. Booth is my heart. I really don't understand this love thing. I only can feel how painfully it is.

Brenn, love is not the problem, you have truly, deeply loved Booth from the beginning just you didn't allow yourself to admit this. And now, when you finally acknowledge and accepted your feelings you were rejected. This is why you are hurting. We need a plan. And fast. We have to keep you occupied all day long so you can't have any moment free to feel sorry for yourself.

Please, don't say I have to meet other people, because yesterday I've tried that and it was sad, I felt like I was betraying Booth.

No, no, you are not ready for someone else; you'll truly accept only Booth now. You have your work and you have to make a list with all the strange, useless things you wanted to do or to try but no opportunity appeared. You'll be so tired that you won't have a sleeping problem anymore. And you'll give yourself time to heal. For some time you have to try to live with not having a master plan, just hang on day by day.

Sounds like a plan. Sorry if I don't share your confidence in this plan. In fact it is not even a plan. On the other hand I don't have other option. Can you hear me? I don't have a plan. I believe this is the first time in my life when my "plan" is not having a "plan".

So, tomorrow we'll go home, and I'll cook dinner in our new house. Then we'll decide how to renovate the new living room, so Monday after work is shopping day.

O.k.. Thank you. You were right I feel better now. It is starting to get cold. We probably should go inside.

This place is lovely. I'll ask Hodgins to prepare a fire. That should be nice too. What do you think, is this the perfect place where you can finish your writings?

You know, Angela, in fact I never had problems with my writings. I can write anywhere, the characters are a projection of my brain, they can project anywhere. My writing problem is a newly one. Maybe I could write, the problem is that I can't stay for long in one place. I'm not all right with me. I have to fix this and then I'll be able to write again. I will deal with each problem, hurting problem each of its time. Angela, as strange it can be, I feel happy that I decided not to let go to Booth.

You decided that now! Brenn we mustn't take any big decision now, it's not a good time for resolutions.

But, no, Angela it's clear now to me, I was hurting because I thought that Booth wanted me to move on, as his voice said , but his soul I didn't hear. His eyes didn't tell me to leave. It's so strange I feel happy.

Honey, it's great, but please don't make any false hopes, please wait, take your time then you'll decide if you want to fight for your love or let go. It's not an easy thing not even for you.

O.k., that I'll do.

Speaking of other problem that you have to deal with, step by step as you said, what you'll do about Hannah.

I decided to fight but I won't fight her. But I won't be her friend either. She is the cause Booth said no.

Angela just smiled.

I like her in a way. For her it seems so easy to speak with everyone even to people she never saw before. I believe she really likes Booth. What I don't understand is why Booth didn't tell her some important things about him.

It is like he can be entirely giving himself to her, may be because he has already given everything, shared everything with someone else.

You mean with me ? It's truth. I don't know, I believe is more unfair to her to hold all those things about him to her than to leave her for me.

Brenn, you are not serious. Did you really want Booth to leave Hannah? Your relation would be built on their broken relation. It's better this way. It will transform you both in a solid couple. As you already are. She smiled. You know it will be much better this way, he knows how you feel and unconsciously he will sabotage his Hannah relation in order to be with you.

No, you're right. When I told him how I feel I didn't have a plan, I didn't think what will happen next. I just knew that I have to share this with him. You know, it never crossed my mind when I told him that there is a small possibility he would reject me. I never was so reckless in my life. But it felt good.

Her face looked peaceful now.

Ladies, the pool is warm and ready for an unforgettable bath.

Hodgie, you know I'm not in the best shape to take a late bath, but we appreciate your efforts. Instead how about a fire in the living room?

All right, exploit the only man in duty. It will be my pleasure my beautiful queen. Dr. Brennen any special requests?

No, Dr Hodgines, it's o.k., I'll prepare dinner in few moments.

When the cottage door closed, Angela looked at Bren with concern. So are you all right now?

Yes, now it's fine. We have a plan.

In 20 minutes we'll be home. It was a very nice weekend. Did you make any decision?

Yes, I felt safe and I finally relaxed, I don't know if it because you were there or because the cottage has its own power. I'll buy it.

I just want to make sure you'll buy it because you like it, because you need it, because it became your dream.

Oh, Angela you are really a very good friend. Thank you!


End file.
